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Today I am spending the day answering the phones at an Episcopal chuch in my town. I was raised Catholic and I have a God of my understanding but he is a vengeful God, where you get punished for sinning and as I went to Catholic Schools taught by nuns lots of silly things are sins. Like wanting for things or outcomes (pride, not being humble) so a part of me feels that my husband would have won his election if only I had not thought he would win. It is a weird way of thinking I know but if ever I get excited about an outcome I think that "the Gods" or "God" or "my parents" will take it away. Often throughout my childhood my parents would use taking away things as punishment for crimes they imagined I committed. They got drunk, burned dinner and it was my fault so I had to miss the girl scout sleep over that I was excited about. So I learned early on to "pretend" not to be looking forward to anything. I would walk around the house saying. "I hate MaryLou why did she invite me over" and then they would let me go. It is an exhausting way to live and I ended up thinking maybe I did hate being invited places.

It is only through work with the steps that I see how I created all these defense mechanisms that protected me but no longer serve me. I am able to stop the negative talk that I do both to myself and externally most of the time. And for that I am truly grateful.

It is cool that this church which seems to be becoming more and more of my life at a time when I want to seek some new ways of thinking about God. Like they say when the student is ready the teacher will come. Perhaps I am supposed to join this church as I keep finding myself involved without really trying.