sail away

I have been feeling the rumblings of needing to run away. I keep looking at places I want to go (Portugal and Ecuador are my two top spots). I start a spanish class next week as a way to appease these desires. Part of it is my desire to travel and have new adventures, part of it is I am sick of everyone and really sick of myself. I know I need to stay put to build a good foundation for my program. But the sicky part of me imagines all the things I am missing out on.
DH's brother and his family (wife & 3 girls) are in town. They stayed with us for a few days and then moved to a hotel on the beach.

My problem is people but I have to say I handled them very well. The brother-in-law was sentenced to AA after 3 DUIs when he was just out of college. He stayed sober for 5+years. I remember going to their house and they didn't have a cork screw (I needed my wine) and another time stressing out over ordering a drink (or several) at dinner with him. Wow how the tables turn. He is back to drinking. Of course he says to me that he hardly drinks while drinking a beer at noon! He had all sorts of excuses why he kept disappearing even when no one asked... He met me on the beach yesterday and said a bunch of kind of passive aggressive things to me. I didn't retaliate back which I feel good about today!

Actually that is a bit of a lie. I wish I had retaliated back. I feel like I left it that I am the loser not him. The victim in me says "why can't we both be winners". His daughter desperately needs a program (she is 9) I see so much of myself in her that I can't stand her. When she said she wanted "quality time" with me...I thought oh no... but I did not say anything to any of them that would make me need to make an amend.

Still it always bums me out what people think of me. I go to Adult Child of Alcoholic meetings to help me see that the way I (yes I - I take ownership) dealt with the way my parents raised me needs to change. The patterns and coping skills no longer serve me.

I keep making the same mistakes over and over. One of the big issues is my relationships with women. I really want girlfriends. That was a huge issue when we sailed that I had no friends. Now I know that I was really incapable of being friends with other sailors as I was blacked-out during most of my interactions with others. But now I am sober and I can get lonely. I tried to be friends with a number of the women from XXX and the relationships went bad. I find it hard to accept that if a person has a program then they will not be living it. I want so badly for people to like me that I compromise myself. I am working on my need for validation from others.
This is when I miss sailing the most as when you get sick of people you can just sail away.

xox WR