Relapsing

Just my ESH from a sponsees view as I have never sponsored...I was a hard case. I would ask someone to sponsor me, I went to two meetings a day, I would read the book and write in my journal (I was one of those who did things like count all the prayers ...i.e. every time the book says "ask god" is a prayer). I did all the right sorts of good stuff, I got and did extra materials to do to complement my own step work - http://www.a-1associates.com/aa/DrPaulsGuide.htm or http://www.sober.org .

And while doing this I regularly drank. I loved that there is a pre-section in Sober.org called
Step Zero that even mentions still drinking as while I was working on this I was drinking vodka.

I sat in the multiple meetings I went to a day with vodka in my water bottle and often took sips. I sought out meetings. I made sure that my husband and I stopped in cities on islands that I knew had meetings. And I bought a bottle on the way to the meeting and drank as I walked back to the boat. I say all this as I know meetings and working with a sponsor mean nothing if you haven't given up and surrendered. I don't really regret my path as half measures got me half which considering before going to AA I was drinking a quart of vodka a day. While doing the meetings and drinking thing I was down to about a pint and some periods of dry days ....which might have just been enough to keep me alive long enough to get the miracle. Gentle sponsors, mean sponsors, ones I had to call everyday, controlling sponsors it didn't matter. I had my alarm set on my phone to ring at 8:30am to call one sponsor and I did it everyday for 6 months but during that 6 months I slipped about 5 times and never came clean. We met once a week and read a chapter of the big book. How she never smelled it on me still amazes me but I was dishonest/sneaky and went to hot yoga to sweat my slips out etc. I have to say the controlling sponsors did turn me a bit against AA as they were so hypocritical in so many other ways. I do struggle with this concept that many of those with many years are still so sick. All in all I went to my first meeting March 2003 and my sobriety date is May 20, 2006. Never in that time did I quit AA. I almost consistently did more than 90 and 90...120 in 90 is more like it. I didn't have a car so I had to walk, and sometimes long distances in the hot caribbean or florida sun to get to a meeting. Still I drank. 3 years is long time to drink and go to meetings. But today all that maters is that I have 18 months!! Just my ESH from a sponsees point of view.