Everything happens for a reason ---right?

I am in a bad place today...feeling like a victim. So much of life seems like luck.. Like if we were in the right place at the right time things would click. So I did have that moment when I went to work at xxxx. The stock options paid off although not enough not to work again forever. So I need to find a job. This state sucks for work. I wasn't ready to apply to places (and I am not sure I am even now) as my sobriety is just taking hold. I am too insecure/was too insecure to handle the rejection.

But I put myself out in the community thinking I would meet someone hiring and take off the nervous part of applying. I need to accept that this isn't working. Even though I volunteer on all levels (hands-on) to sitting on boards. Not one job prospect in 4 years.

I should have applied for the digitial director job as now it sounds perfect but I wasn't ready in Oct and now it is long gone and going live.

I am mad at my alcoholism for slowing me down career wise.

What am I suppose to be doing?

I am off to a brunch to support a resource center for domestic violence (a ladies who lunch) event.

I am depressed.