Isolation

I often have a ying/yang approach to life with the pendulum swinging dramatically to opposite sides. Last night I sat at my regular wed night women's mtg and I looked around and realized I didn't want to have coffee with any of them. I ponder....

• isolation vs. getting involved with "non-winners"
• fellowship vs. friendship
• taking someone's inventory vs. paying attention to red flags
• isolation vs. not being so needy as to accept unacceptable behavior
• seeking out winners vs. running away

I have a good sponsor who has 17 years. She does see what I see in my town, where you are measured by the designer handbag you carry. I once said to her "I feel like the women my Wed mtg look down on me b/c I shop at Anne Taylor Loft" and she said "that is b/c they do". I don't believe that these women dis-like me but they are not envious of me the way they are of the other socialites in town. But then that brings up a whole issue of do I want to be "envied".

I do go to meetings where the majority of women have jobs but the mtgs closest to my house are frequented by trust-fund/socialite/divorcees who's values on saving/spending or supporting oneself are not the same as mine.

Before I sound like a victim (which I do very well) I do see my part. I am very needy. I may not borrow money but I lend it to people I know haven't worked in years. I run up to the newcomer and hand out my number. I start hanging out with them everyday and then when they are human I cut them from my life. I need to be more discerning. I need to take things slower w/ women. I have no models for successful female relationships so I need to both be gentle w/ myself and to tell myself to "pause". BFF are not made over night.

Being alone is not the same as being lonely. And perhaps I should spend sometime alone. My fear that b/c I am not w/ a group means I am unlovable needs to be addressed as it has gotten me into trouble throughout my life. Being a chameleon and telling people what I think they want to hear, agreeing with them is LYING. And that is what leads to chaos which in turns leads to drinking.

For me I need to stop fearing being alone and learn to happily spend time with me.
xox WR