thanksgiving

On the topic of thanksgiving. I once heard a man share at a meeting that at least once a week he put on his daily gratitude list...cellular technology. Imagine in the days before cellphones, if you were squirrley while driving you would have to pull off the road to find a pay phone to call a sober support. Or imagine in the days of one phone in a house, where would you find the privacy to talk to your sponsor? For that I am grateful.

I am grateful for all the obvious things but also for the not so obvious.

My husband has been away sailing for the past 12 days. I have often used the time alone when he is gone to relapse. I want to make sure I use the past tense as that was the old me. My disease is cunning and powerful. Sometimes I think it is more so than others. I often struggle to explain what it is like for me to those women who picked up one white chip and never struggle with the desire to drink again.

So last weekend God gave me an incredible gift. I was invited to watch a movie at a sober woman's house. I did not want to watch the movie, it was about a serial killer. I don't like those types of movies. But rather than be alone with myself I went.

This movie was the most accurate portrayal of what my disease is like. Just substitute killing with drinking. "Mr. Brooks" with Kevin Costner as "Mr. Brooks" and William Hurt as "Marshall" his alter-ego or disease. Demi Moore is also in the movie. It was amazing. I have no idea if the writer is an alcoholic or not but, he gets me.

My disease isn't just a devil on my shoulder or a monkey on my back. But a fully developed complex relationship that wears chasm ere sweaters with a funky scarf and rides in the back seat of my car talking to me. In the movie "Marshall" isn't just evil but helps "Mr. Brooks" with his daughter, makes him laugh, keeps him company and even holds him when he cries. That is exactly what my disease is like. No I do not want to drink, just like Mr. Brooks doesn't want to kill (Mr. Brooks goes to AA and has two years "clean of killing" at the start of the movie). The scene with the AA meeting is intense....

I highly recommend this movie to anyone that you know who slips, it is not a reason to slip but gives me comfort that someone gets me. I can't wait to show this movie to my husband who doesn't understand the struggle I go through daily. I don't feel so all alone.

So today I am grateful for a way to explain my disease and...
* For a club house within one mile of my house that I have the confidence to walk into alone
* My sober women friends and sponsor
* A car to go to mtgs, $ for gas, and the desire to go
* The knowledge that I am an alcoholic
* My work that gives me fulfillment
* That I am making progress in setting boundaries, letting go, and being gentle with myself and others