i have a double chin & 3 years

it is hard to tell on your self but in pictures I have a dble chin.

today
ribs
fruit
potato chips

then tonight i am sure i will be bad with food ...

It is my 3 year anniversary May19/20. I kind of don't want to celebrate my anniversary because I feel I will jinx it. As if there is a power greater than me that can strike me drunk. I kind of know that this isn't true because it took me 2 1/2 years of trying to get these 3 years (meaning I drank and went to meetings from 2003 until 2006 when I had my last drink/drug). I know that during those two years I never accidentally got drunk. They were planned relapses. I love to hear the excuses that people make when I know for me there was no excuse. I usually planned not to tell anyone so I truly planned these slips.

So now I have 3 years. I don't have a slip planned...I really want to stay sober. I guess it just feel so anti-climatic. Plus I have this weird thing about saying things are okay. As a kid my parents were very angry sad mean drunks. So that if I said I was excited to go to a sleep-over or that I enjoyed girl scouts they would take those activities away as punishment for some infraction I did. Looking back I was a good kid, nothing I did made me deserve to be forced to leave girl scouts. Probably I didn't fold the towels correctly when doing the laundry (we kids did all the chores including washing and folding my fathers underwear with the marks his alcoholism left behind). I know I had a shitty childhood and I can even sort of forgive my parents for doing the best they could but...I still have this weird self protectionism mechanism going on. I never say out loud I enjoy something, or that I am looking forward to something. I still think my parents have the power to take something away, or if not them then the gods.

I know the current stress I have is about a job. I have found my dream company locally. I am just too afraid to call up talk to them. And I am too afraid to talk to anyone about them. I know I need to act but I am stuck in this weird place where I think if I act like I want a job it won't come true.

The worst is that they will say they don't need someone like me and it will be no harm no foul right...