mad at self

C, Obviously you didn't state the whole situation. It didn't sound like you called her out on drinking but on another lie that she told. While I am blessed to be able to go to tons of f2f mtgs, I still suffer from the same lack of ability in relationships. Partly I think this is because I drank so much and blacked out so much I just don't know how to be friends.

I have the tendency to chase after women who are unable to form relationships because of their own issues. They are typically bi-polar or emotionally stunted. As my mother was a distant woman, this feel familiar.

I know that I can not be friends with women who lie to themselves whether because they are drinking or because they are skipping their meds because they like the maniac feeling they get. It is troubling for me as I want to fix, because I think if I can fix them I can fix my mom (learned in therapy).

Today as a sober woman with 3 years, my part is developing the relationship too quickly! And accepting the fact that relationships I had early in sobriety while true relationships may no longer be healthy. "water seeks it's own level".

Today my part is also in accepting people for who they are. Not detaching with an ice pick but with love. I don't need to have a big altercation with anyone.

As Maya Angelou says "believe people when they show you who they are".

I recently had an experience with a woman I spent extensive time with when I moved to Palm Beach and was beginning to get sober. She has always had a bitter tongue but I just laughed it off. After a dinner a few weeks ago she started saying to the group. "look at that R, her mouth is always going" she went on and on about how much I talk. When she left she said "bye motor mouth to me". At the time I didn't call her out on it, I just ignored her as the table was large and I was in a two-way conversation with someone else, but I could hear her.

The next day I called her and told her. She laughed and said she was just being funny and told me to get a thicker skin. I don't want to get a thicker skin. yes I talk a lot but not too much. I don't want women in my life who use me for their negative humor.

So I am accepting her for who she is. She has always been this way but I was so desperate for company before that I tolerated being the butt of her jokes. No more. I can love someone for the good times we had in early sobriety without needing to have dinner with them after a meeting.

just my thoughts on how we grow. In the 12 and 12 in Step 5 it says "prudence is a virtue of the highest level". That to me means - it is up to me to be prudent, wise in my choices, I can't play the victim when I didn't heed the red flags.....it is my responsibility to be prudent in all my actions.

darn....as I like playing the victim. It is sad and lonely that I do not want to be friends with these women but I need to face the fact, they just aren't that into me. That is their right and my right is to not put myself in places that make me feel less-than.

that's all...
xoxox