please try to understand...i need to protect myself

All is fine. I am assuming that V. has discussed with you our conversation (or soon will). She hurt my feeling very badly the night at Howley's when she was telling you and B. how I am always talking. "Just look at R. - her mouth is always going" she went on for a bit about me and then she yelled "bye motor mouth " to me. I didn't say anything at the time because I felt ashamed and didn't want to call further attention to myself. I called her the next day but we only just discussed it yesterday.

I feel like I was a little harsh on V. but I am going to stand my ground - "I will not let women use their bitter tongues to make fun at my expense". I feel sorry for V. I do forgive her but the shame I felt by her words is not so easy to forget. I have had other people accuse me of talking too much so I take it very seriously. I have reflected on it and I do not feel that that is an accurate assessment of me....if it was how is it that I seem to know so much gossip that I try very hard not to spread...obviously my mouth can't always be going or I would know no one's secrets!

It is not just V. but other women seem to use me as the source of their negative humor. I am working hard with a new sponsor to see my part in it. Part of my part is that I don't speak up and demand that people treat me better and part of my part is not believing people when they show me who they are. Why do I seek out women with bitter tongues and why do I keep spending time with them? No more. My old sponsor was in the habit of saying hurtful things to me. "my goodness how can you live in your neighborhood - there are security guards at the grocery stores" seriously like I can do a thing about crime in WPB, I bought this house while drunk and cannot sell it. It is merely said to me to make me feel bad. Or "why are you looking for work...don't you know how much you will hate working". Maybe that is their experience but not mine and who tells someone not to look for a job. Or the best one my sponsor told me. "I see your job search just like those women who are searching for a husband" WTF.

I have been to meek in speaking up for myself but no more. I do not mean to be harsh to V. Yes I believe she was "joking" but I see no humor in her deciding to go on & on about how I talk too much. I need to do my part to not put myself in situations with women who are disrespectful to me, it doesn't matter their reasons what matters is that I do not leave dinners feeling bad about myself. There are tons of women in the world who like me and like spending time with me for me to keep spending time with women who are emotionally unavailable.

Please let V. know that I do forgive her. I do accept her for who she is and I understand that she is in a bad place where she needs to take out her hurt and anger out on others. As much as I wish it wasn't true. I do accept her for who she is and forgive her.

Someday we should meet for coffee and discuss this face to face. I feel like I have seen you struggle with this same issue. I have come to think of it like that saying from Sex in the City. "She is just not that into you."

So many women I have chosen to be my friends really are just not emotionally available. I need women who check-in, ask me how I am etc. It gets tiring to be the "well" one. Always being responsible for organizing the event, calling to check-in, excusing them for their bad behavior because they are unwell. Then I have to think...hmmm these women told me or showed me that they were not available so why do I keep calling?...of course that mother thing again!

This is the year for me to focus on healthy women (there are plenty of them) and to focus on myself and perhaps after Wednesday...a job!!

Xox

Hugs,