progress

Today was a huge day in the progress department. First I called my aunt and uninvited her for the weekend. My previous therapist had suggested I contact my father's sister last summer to get some medical history. I did. I got the medical history but I also got her version of his childhood and her version of my childhood. This woman is not an aunt like you see in the movies. I am 43 and this is the first time I ever said more than 2 sentences to her. My parents did not like their siblings, spoke badly about them to us and with us, they often needed us to join in on the criticism to help them feel better about themselves. So I am sure I criticized her cooking and housekeeping skills over the years. Our conversation went nicely and of course my fantasy about how my I want my childhood to have been surfaced and I invited her and my uncle for the weekend. At the time I seemed great but now faced with having her and her husband in my house for the weekend is overwhelming. They are strangers and I don't even like to have my closest friends over for that long. Not to say how badly it would make my parents feel (I don't speak to them but hey someday I might want to). Anyways, progress. I admitted I was premature in my invitation. I put it on myself and didn't give too many reasons. And she understood . Now we are going to drive and meet each other halfway and just have lunch!!

Then I know I love to gossip. And not just about people but also institutions. I learned it in childhood and I can see where it makes me feel better sometimes. Lately though I meet women who don't understand the basics of good gossiping and who go and tell others what I have said. So today a woman who has burned me tried to get me to be critical about an organization I volunteer for. I stopped her and said I didn't feel comfortable with the conversation. She tried to goad me back into being critical "for their own good" but I didn't take the bait. And without having to make her feel awful about herself (my usual MO is to rip the person apart, or to try and change them) I accept that she will repeat everything I say and I told her I wouldn't continue the conversation. And then I CHANGED the topic. I kept it neutral (I talked about my cats). I know or I think I know she was bummed but I felt like a great person, I don't owe her an amends for making her feel like shit for not being a good secret keeper and I don't have to worry about my words being repeated.

Then my husband and I put up curtains. Major....we didn't fight. They weren't perfect but I figured out a solution which I like. Another huge thing to not feel like my own concepts in decorating are ok. Everyone around here gets decorators. I am not ready to handle the boundaries of having someone else try and convince me that their taste it better than mine. I can't explain this well but I have a unique style and I am getting more comfortable expressing it. I used put things off, to wait for the "someday" to do things. No more. Today is someday!! I have had trouble hanging pictures, painting walls. As if I may move and the next person won't like it. Tough I am alive today and I need to like it. I deserve to have a great house. A finished house. The old self-denying person is somehow slipping away.

xox I like me today!! WR