Reality or ....

This is an ongoing issue for me. What is reality and what is made up in my messed up mind. I truly believe that my husband does things to mess me up. He swears he would never sabotage me, that he wasn't raised to be mean, how can I think he would ever intentionally hurt me....but I do think he does things and is happy when I get hurt. Weird things like not standing up for me to others, I think that is hurtful and intentional. He makes fun of me in public and puts me down and then says it didn't happen. Before I got sober I never knew what was true and what was imagined (especially as I was often blacked out) and I know he was mean then because he found my drinking so distasteful. But now I think he still does it. I had a bad altercation with an unethical salesman and he was like "well you probably deserved it" ....what I did not...what about standing by me?!?!?

Or then he lies. He cut down an old tree on our property. I think he just got started pruning and then his rage came out so he destroyed the tree. But will he admit it. No he either says "I meant to do it" or he says "It needed pruning" what which one. One of those is a lie ....and I hate being lied to now. Just like when the salesman lied to me and I caught him and then he changed his tune...still then I think well maybe I just misheard.

I hate that I don't feel comfortable with my own reality...

xox WR