Adult Child Meetings

In addition to almost daily AA meetings, I started going to ACOA or Adult Child Focused Alanon meetings. Very powerful. My sponsor works both programs but has 17 years sober 3 Alanon. Most people think you should do a year in AA before Alanon but for me it didn't look like I would ever get more than 4 months so I figured it couldn't hurt.

Tonight was all about people pleasing. That is me but also in a weird way. I people please by being negative. I have surrounded myself with people who are "fixers" and so if things are going smooth they seem upset. This is so reminiscent of childhood. My parents were very insecure, to feel better about themselves they needed to think less of others. Their kids (me and 4 siblings) were really their only contact with the outside world (they worked but I think they were very introverted so had no friends), they isolated themselves from their families, so it was just us kids.

I took on the role of 3 parent. I truly believed and often still do that if I worried about something bad happening enough I can prevent it. Or at least lessen the impact. I know I am not God and that life is not in my control but old habits die hard.

I am not saying I wasn't in a horrible mood the past few days and that it is not true that I picked a fight about the style of kitty litter bags my husband bought. Or that I didn't want to cry and stamp my feet b/c he bought me the wrong kind of gym socks for xmas. I did but there are times when I feel okay and I feel like I need to be critical for people to like me. It is a weird paradox but with my parents if I could make them think I was pitiful then they felt superior and would be nice to me.

I find myself doing this with everyone. I will call it manipulation which is a strong word but I find myself making derogatory comments about myself which upon reflection I do not mean but I want to hear others say it is not true, that I am not whatever bad thing I am saying.

I still have not had my 2nd meeting with my new therapist since my old one retired on me. I am making this a public statement that I need to have an appt by the end of next week...I am not sure what the or else is.

Enough out of me for one night.
Do you ever wish you could take notes in a meeting so you could remember all the great things said? Tonight was one of those meetings.
xox on almost the last day of the year...