Been a week

So much has happened since I last wrote. I still get this sickly anxiety filled feeling so much of the day. It is like I keep expecting something bad to happen or that I have done something wrong. I didn't drink the entire time my husband was gone and that is an accomplishment for me. Something about having the house to myself makes that little nasty voice say "one won't hurt" "no one will know"....anyways success.

Back to the anxiety. I am not taking any anti-depressants/meds. My therapist says to work through this. It is just the feelings coming out. I ate tons lately and need to work on my replacement addiction to carbs! But I do go to the gym so it is not so bad.

I worked on what amends I will make. I love my sponsor, she is so much like me and gets me. She said something sad about how she too had to learn not to be so open with her thoughts as others would share them. She said her circle now was small and that made her sad. I had a stupid experience where I vented about a charity I work with and the person I vented too keeps going around telling others what I said. "It's for their own good" she says. No it isn't, it wasn't constructive it was just negative banter that I do b/c it was what made my mom pay attention to me... Just like I never put in email stuff I don't want repeated. I need to be careful with my words to only say things I want repeated.

My parents are acting up. They really are unstable. They were supposed to be driving from Mich to Georgia to visit my sister. After 6 days with no contact my sister called the state police. They called last night oblivious that we were concerned. They think they can say they are coming, change their mind and we are so insignificant that they don't need to notify us that they changed their mind. It is difficult to reach them as they have a home in a very remote area without a phone. They sometimes have a cell phone but it only works at the end of the drive. They don't know how to use the voice mail. This from a nurse with a master's degree and an ex-computer executive. I know he is loosing his mental abilities. I know I need to see them as sick and not bad. But I am still in that paradoxical state of loving them and hating them. Acceptance!!

Same thing with my 1st love. I spoke to his mom last night. I am so angry that he did not turn out to be my knight in shining armor. He was just a dead-beat. And I sometimes let his words belittle me. I choose to not see him for who he truly was and even now I keep wanting to call him and find out he is Sex& the City Mr. Big...

enough for tonight...
Acceptance that is what I will pray for tonight.
oxox WR