Sunday

My DH has been visiting friends in Hawaii for 4 days now. It is weird how much of an impact having him around is. I do use him like anabuse. I can clearly see how I never slipped...I chose to relapse. I remember one time he was leaving on a Sun am. I had a book club that Sat night (book club often seemed to occur around slips). I tried to leave in time to hit the liquor store b4 it closed. It had just closed, so I stopped at the dive wine shop and bought a double bottle. I left it in the trunk. As soon as he drove away I opened the bottle and had a glass w/ ice. It was really early like 4:30am. I knew the whole book club I was going to drink. All my slips were complete planned choices. I knew I didn't want to quit sobriety and often fooled myself into believing that I was going to lie about my sobriety date to avoid the public humiliation. In the end by choice or by necessity I owned up to my drinking. I usually cried and said I didn't know how it happened. Which was a complete lie. I was planning on drinking the entire time we were discussing the book or whatever.

I have thought about drinking. Friday night I was parked in front of a restaurant. I was decorating port-a-potties w/ friends for the Race for A Cure. I was invited to dinner at a friends home but as I got in my car I did play the fantasy/nightmare. Call friend make excuse, go into the bar and drink, go in the restaurant, no someone might see me, stop by the liquor store buy a small bottle, go home drink, skip 9am mtg, be sober by Sun and keep it a secret. I didn't do it and I told on myself at the 9am mtg.

I sometimes wish my disease was smaller. It seems that others don't have as much obsession/compulsion as me. I know I am not alone but it seems I am the only one who talks about it. I remember the message I found once in a craigslist msg board. "If it was so easy to be done we wouldn't need mtgs everyday."

It totally freaked the women out on Wed when I said I think of drinking everyday. I need to stay away from the women who get so freaked out especially (the nurse one) she is too obsessed w/ me. I was proud on Thu when I saw her I didn't give her the power she was seeking. I have a sponsor, I have numerous sober supports, I have a therapist, I need to recognize in myself I seek out women to complete my childhood fantasy that a mommy will rescue me. I am my own mommy now, I do my own rescuing, I work the steps, I haven't had a drink since 12/12/2005. I am honest about the day in May 2006. I will consider their suggestion that I go to Ilena Lodge for long-term treatment. I will not stop talking about my thoughts of drinking. I will pray.

xox R