procrastination

I am supposed to be working on a video project I agreed to do for a friend. I love to procrastinate and probably won't get it done until after midnight. I am very close. I just need to add some fireworks to the end.

I am reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. The best book. It is taking me a long time to read as each page is very powerful. Today I read if you are a control freak.... focus on controlling your negative thoughts. Wow. I went to my Monday ACOA mtg. I love those mtgs and I am very glad I added them to my program. I know many think early AAers should stick with just AA but that wasn't working for me. Since adding the ACOA I have been sober (no substances!). I shared which is unusual but I was identifying so much and I wanted to opportunity to focus my thoughts. I am just like the woman who judges herself by how others see her. I added that I am like that even though it has been repeatedly shown that I have no idea what others really think of me. So I am living in a world of complete illusion. I too was like the woman who only decorates the part of her house that people might see (ie not her bedroom). It is like I don't think I deserve to have things complete or whole. I know my parents were very jealous people who would take away things I enjoyed when they were in a rage. So I began to lie about what I liked so that they wouldn't know what was special to me. This has caused so much confusion in my life b/c after saying "ughh I hate to do this" for so long I am now confused what I really do like....

Reparenting myself is hard thank goodness I have AA/ACOA to help.

On controlling my thoughts. I need to work on stopping the conversations I have with my 1st love who is now dead from a drug overdose. I will not get to have closure there and the both sided conversations are sapping my energy.

xox to me