Regret - Should Have's

I am doing through another "why didn't I phase..." Why didn't I update this blog more during my first two years. Why didn't I roll over the Mxxx to Rxxx when the market crashed. Why did I drink so much so now no one will hire me (or I am too ashamed to ask because I don't remember much of the past.) Why...why...why

Then again I hear about the Dunbar case and I realize how lucky I am.

I have been putting in stuff in this blog as kind of a diary...I use sitemeter so I know no one visits.

The funny thing is that a year ago I was struggling with weight just at the same point I am today....I woke up and weighed 130 ... same as when I was on South Beach Diet...ugghhh

I wrote this a while ago...it sums up my day today exactly..
I can not seem to shake this feeling of panic about the future and regret about the past.

Regret is probably not the right word. It is just that I pretended to be something I wasn't for over a decade (sober). I was cheating and faking it at work. I am not sure why I did get promotions and didn't get fired. Partly it was because I kept switching teams in groups that had more problems than me. [A side note I worked for Mxxx for eleven years. Mxxx often brings out products that don't sell and then they kill them or the functionality is rolled into another product. I did drink during the day but I was able to get a traveling job where I had time off as I was on a grueling schedule of speaking in front of large audiences with different folks so I assumed if they smelled alcohol they weren't with me often enough to realize it was a daily thing or I was on teams where they knew the product was discontinued so the people above me were worried about where they would get a new job and not focused on me.].

So sometimes I wonder if I am just a huge fake.

I am also struggling with the consequences of my decisions.



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