Same thing different year

Day 13 on the Matol Diet...129.x both last night and this morning....I skipped going to Ultima this morning but I am going early afternoon.

I am bummed about not doing the stock stuff again...but I need to remember that I am not dead. I still have time to do it better this time. "When you know better you do better"...

I can also be Pollyanna-ish. Giving second chances, ignoring the red flags and then getting majorly burned. I guess I just need to work on temperance and finding the right middle balance.

I was reading a book called "Gifted" abt an Indian girl in England who's father was pushing her to be the youngest student at Oxford studying math. She does get in but starts to fail. She meets a boy for one afternoon very innocently but she is never allowed to have fun later she writes him silly love letters that her father finds through snooping. Of course the father won't admit snooping and lies how he found out.

It brought up memories for me. The excessive control my parents tried to exert over me b/c they were jealous of any fun I had. To have some fun (no drinks/drugs/boys just giggly high school girl stuff). I would lie. And if I were getting caught I would confess to the lesser of the two sins to avoid a bigger fight. So I developed a pattern of being dishonest in a very manipulative way. I could use the negative talk to distract my mother. I haven't really given it much thought in depth and I probably need to work with a therapist on it. It makes me wonder what it would have been like to grow up in a house where you could be honest with your parents. I have friends who let their kids have no curfew b/c they know they will come in at the right time. And they do as I would have too. I could barely go out on a Friday/Saturday so I lied I was babysitting, working at Kmart etc. I went to an all girls high school and barely dated in high school. Of course I worked to save money to go to college and then worked a million jobs to never move home again. I have to believe all those years of "practicing" manipulation screwed me up. But that is my challenge for today...to grow!

I am going to be tested today because Z. is lonely and wants me to spend the whole day with her and go to an AA conference with her. I do like going to meetings but there is no way that I am going to go to the conference..a million ughs on that one.

Growth!