I don't know

I can be terribly judgmental with folks, lacking both tolerance and patience.

On a regular basis I take on more than fits on my plate. Because it seems like others aren’t doing quickly enough or good enough. I also find that people ask me to do stuff because they are lazy, insecure whatever. Then I end up …a wreck. I sometimes attribute this to being the oldest child. Because my parents weren’t involved I did a lot of the parenting and household running. Of course I had no idea what I was doing, I just got really comfortable with making it up, acting like I knew everything, and telling people what to do.

This trait of “making it up” causes me grief.

A weird example. I work at a thrift store as a cashier. Most of the other women are in their 60s or 70s. They will not work on the register as handling money scares them (their words). So they are always asking me, “what should I do now?”, or “can I do this?”. Of course I answer their questions and make up what I think they should do - although I am not the manager. It isn’t rocket science that the dressing rooms need to be cleaned etc. I am not sure why they even ask. A bunch of women are a bit fragile but they remind me of my mom, in that they play the victim/martyr. On advice from my sponsor I practice saying to them “I don’t know, go ask Carole (the manager)”.

Now that I am trying to say “I don’t know” It is amazing how often I am asked questions like this. Sometimes I think I am wearing a shirt that says Shell (do any of you remember the "Shell Answer Man"). I do try to be kind and do not say “why are you asking me, you stupid cow” even thought that is often how I feel.

It is not my job to fix the world. You would think that the fixing would be a good trait but it isn’t. It is codependent. And the less I respond to questions, the less I take on work that is not in my best interest, the less chaos I have to live with.

I love the suggestion that prayer and meditation will lead to “I am more OK with me, which makes me OK with you”!.